Fleeting Moments

It seems like I have spent so much time trying to be somewhere else. At some other point in evolution…some other stage in life. So many times I wish I could re-wind and carry my experience and knowledge to a place I could actually use it at. Like S very wisely put it….we are in constant denial. Denial about our age…about being married about being where we are right now. The point is…somewhere down the line….wont there be a point where I am wishing I was back here? (Of course, note to future self: right here sucks! Just go back where you came from!)

Sigh…life has changed so very much over the last fortnight. Every aspect. I know looking at my life in some detail…some may be tempted to exclaim at how lucky I am. Frankly…looking very logically, at my life from a third person point of view...it looks fabulous. Certainly, no one could have gained as much as I have in the last one month. Possessions, career and family. I certainly tell myself that I should be ecstatic. And yet…I feel nothing. I feel in fact a certain sense of detachment…like I was watching this whole thing unfolding in front of me like a movie. I am not here…I am not in this moment. Rather….I am in this moment more than I am anywhere else. I am not thinking of the future…because I will freak out and cannot console myself. I am not thinking of the past…because I cannot get it back. But I am in this moment with absolutely no involvement.

This is in stark contrast to everyone else around me. The transformation in everyone, husband, mother…family in general, is simply amazing to watch. Husband, who never thought beyond himself for a minute, is actually thinking of me. It is like he has found new purpose in life. Good for him!

Getting back to me. Yes, anyone who knows my life in more detail than a “logical third party”, knows this is a gamble. Of course it is. More of a gamble than the rest of my life has been. This is like blind courage of the ignorant. Willfully, blindly, ignorant in this case. And yet…this moment flees….and as fucked up as life can get in the next moment…this moment is still alright…possibly the best I will ever have. So, girl, be happy now…you may never get a chance to later.

Anti-Midas Touch

A friend once said that she had the anti-Midas touch. Everything she touches turns into shit. Well…if anyone is an example of anti-Midas touch syndrome, it has to be me. Every aspect of life is screwed. I want to fix it…except I don’t know where to start. Of course, just as I begin to believe I have fixed one leak…there is another one spurting out, then another, then another, like some persistantly cruel animation film.

Looking at all of this, I am beginning to think, I have lived on this earth for too short a while to fuck so many things up. To have tied up so many knots in the several threads that are supposed to run in parallel. Where in the world did I find the time to do it??

Surely, this is a proof of re-incarnation, if any? I am certain my life, right now, is several lifetimes worth of fucked up. I refuse to believe, that I, however skilled in the matter I am, could have created so much utter mess in this one short lifetime.

As I type this…I am actually laughing. Not out of mirth or even a sense of Irony…just out of sheer lightheadedness at having put words to how I feel. I am beginning to realize...I write because I need to get the words out of my veins and head before I can sleep. Sigh. Good Night.

Ramblings of a restless mind

The mind is in the company of disquiet thoughts.

All I seem to be clear about is what I don’t want.

 I don’t want this slime and deceit that I am  surrounded with. Ever a gap between intentions disclosed and the ones that remains covert.
So you, yes YOU, do you know that what you proclaim and what you really want are two entirely different things? And do you know that I can see it? The chasm between the two. You believe you are so clever, so apparently good-intentioned that no one can see though the deceit? Can you yourself see the deceit? Because I see it so clearly it dims everything else from view. And my ability to understand the nuances of human nature is sadly lacking. And even I see it.

Of what I do want, I know nothing.

Lost Wallet

I have lost my wallet and it is entirely my fault. Well, not entirely…I do blame a large portion of it on the husband. It doesn’t make anything any better, though. The fact remains that it has gone. It is a debilitating feeling…losing a wallet. A wallet contains so many things one takes for granted when it is there. And when it is gone…suddenly, you realize those were things that are irreplaceable.

I am exaggerating you say? Cards can be re-issued you say? Money can be earned? Well, of course. They can be replaced. It will be a hell of a lot of trouble, which, frankly, I deserve for losing my wallet.

That’s not what I am talking about. The irreplaceable things are the memories attached…little things that are of no value per-se. Like a picture of my mom and dad together, in a perfect size for a wallet. A picture with S…in front of Charring cross, my first visiting card, several bills that remind me of places gone to. All reminders of good times had.

These things can never be replaced. Like the things in life they represent. A childhood gone by…friends who are so far away…family that was far, far less complicated, somehow, despite all the mess. Sigh. All gone. Taken for a measly sum of Rs.500 and some change. I almost feel insulted that there were no attempts on the cards. I mean, come on! You- the one who took my wallet, you know who you are, did you steal away all this from me just for the 500 bucks? Really?

An Introduction to my life

The world is quiet. Unusual for my world, at 11pm. Work remains incomplete...threatening to weigh down and burst at the seams. The room is dark…with only my table lamp on. Everyone sleeps. I hear the sounds of the rain falling and dogs barking...and in between all of that, what is that I hear? Silence?

I am suspended in time. Today has gone by, tomorrow, yet to come. No one can reach me. And suddenly, this sense of peace takes over. The fog that has engulfed my mind, for all this while, suddenly clears. At this point, this moment, nothing can touch me. I am free to sit here in the dark...listening to the rains. No one has claims over my time or attention or mind space. Not my family, not work, nor friends.

Yet, what am I doing with all of this newly acquired mind space? I am spending it on making a ppt that will affect no one’s life in anyway. I don’t even believe it will attract ridicule from, entertain or threaten or engage anyone. Yet I choose to spend my moment, my time (and no one else’s) on making the ppt. That is the story of my life.