Fleeting Moments

It seems like I have spent so much time trying to be somewhere else. At some other point in evolution…some other stage in life. So many times I wish I could re-wind and carry my experience and knowledge to a place I could actually use it at. Like S very wisely put it….we are in constant denial. Denial about our age…about being married about being where we are right now. The point is…somewhere down the line….wont there be a point where I am wishing I was back here? (Of course, note to future self: right here sucks! Just go back where you came from!)

Sigh…life has changed so very much over the last fortnight. Every aspect. I know looking at my life in some detail…some may be tempted to exclaim at how lucky I am. Frankly…looking very logically, at my life from a third person point of view...it looks fabulous. Certainly, no one could have gained as much as I have in the last one month. Possessions, career and family. I certainly tell myself that I should be ecstatic. And yet…I feel nothing. I feel in fact a certain sense of detachment…like I was watching this whole thing unfolding in front of me like a movie. I am not here…I am not in this moment. Rather….I am in this moment more than I am anywhere else. I am not thinking of the future…because I will freak out and cannot console myself. I am not thinking of the past…because I cannot get it back. But I am in this moment with absolutely no involvement.

This is in stark contrast to everyone else around me. The transformation in everyone, husband, mother…family in general, is simply amazing to watch. Husband, who never thought beyond himself for a minute, is actually thinking of me. It is like he has found new purpose in life. Good for him!

Getting back to me. Yes, anyone who knows my life in more detail than a “logical third party”, knows this is a gamble. Of course it is. More of a gamble than the rest of my life has been. This is like blind courage of the ignorant. Willfully, blindly, ignorant in this case. And yet…this moment flees….and as fucked up as life can get in the next moment…this moment is still alright…possibly the best I will ever have. So, girl, be happy now…you may never get a chance to later.

Anti-Midas Touch

A friend once said that she had the anti-Midas touch. Everything she touches turns into shit. Well…if anyone is an example of anti-Midas touch syndrome, it has to be me. Every aspect of life is screwed. I want to fix it…except I don’t know where to start. Of course, just as I begin to believe I have fixed one leak…there is another one spurting out, then another, then another, like some persistantly cruel animation film.

Looking at all of this, I am beginning to think, I have lived on this earth for too short a while to fuck so many things up. To have tied up so many knots in the several threads that are supposed to run in parallel. Where in the world did I find the time to do it??

Surely, this is a proof of re-incarnation, if any? I am certain my life, right now, is several lifetimes worth of fucked up. I refuse to believe, that I, however skilled in the matter I am, could have created so much utter mess in this one short lifetime.

As I type this…I am actually laughing. Not out of mirth or even a sense of Irony…just out of sheer lightheadedness at having put words to how I feel. I am beginning to realize...I write because I need to get the words out of my veins and head before I can sleep. Sigh. Good Night.